where did i leave off? lets see. last friday was the student recital... i think. was that right? i met up with some of the girls and brandt afterwards at rula bula, which was fun. then saturday i worked, and later that day was alicia's wedding. she looked really, really happy. i dont think i had ever seen her so damn happy before. while the reception was low-key, it was still nice to see her, and it was nice to see her happy. 
marriage is a funny thing. some days, its like thats all i'd want out of my life one day- a hubby, kids, a little house with a big kitchen. but other days marriage is the last thing i would ever want. how impossible is it to find someone you can spend the rest of your life with?
when i was a junior in high school i had one of the greatest teachers ever (Mr. Eberle) as my marine bio instructor. he was an extremely liberal thinker, very into the alternative. actually, the year i had him, it was his last year before retirement and he and his wife (whom i also had as a third grade ELP teacher- she was the hippie instructor with three python snakes, newts, rabbits, guinea pigs, turtles, mice, and once she brought in her goat- no im not even exaggerating) could move to colorado, raise their own food and livestock, and live in a wigwam they planned to build themselves out of adobe blocks. they planned to be one with the earth and eat only what they could kill themselves, and drink long islands in the mountains every day. on the last day of school, he wore a shirt that had little light-up words that said "I don't care" and he wore a green poker visor all day. that last day, he told me i was the daughter he never had, and he gave me a big hug, and said he knew i'd be fine, whatever i did. i loved that man, and i loved his wife because they  believed in me, and every other "alternative thinking student" that walked through their classroom. they liked the crazies, the stupids, the weirds, and the angsts just the way they were.
my VERY ROUNDABOUT POINT to all that was that he always used to tell us that humans were not made to spend the rest of their lives with just one person. he was on his second marriage, and he used to say that while he was so happy with Vicki, he said in fifteen years they might be different people, and they might have to seperate and try other things, other people. i never ever believed that it could be true- why would you marry someone if you ever thought you might not want to be married to them forever? but now it makes sense. or at least, it makes more sense than it did six years ago. people are constantly changing. we are not stagnant beings. we are complicated and confusing and complex people, and it is so fucking impossible to think that we might find one other person that we can change and grow and be different with. i just dont buy it. i love dating, and god knows i love much of what comes with dating. but dating is the easy part. sex is the easy part. its easy to have drinks with someone and have sex with someone, but its the relationship that is the hard part. people (myself included) want things easy for the most part, and relationships are rarely easy. marriage is rarely easy. i just find it hard to believe that you can find one person to spend your life with who you can put up their constant struggles, and to put up with your shit. marriage is something i dont buy into lightly. 
i guess that means im not ready for a real relationship. at least not one that thinks outside of the bar or the bedroom.
and thats the most honest thing ive said in the past twenty minutes. or in the past month.

anyway, the ROUNDABOUT POINT was that i really think alicia and jeremy have a good shot at being together for the rest of their lives. they make each other really happy. and if you can make someone really happy for life, id say thats a pretty good accomplishment.

then the week passed and nothing happened that i want to talk about on lj. then friday came, and we didnt do anything. saturday came, and we went to troupapalooza, which was half fun, half rediculous. the claws were there, which means glenn was there, and i dont know if i can forgive myself for ever being his friend and trying to see the good side in someone that doesnt exist. god i hate that man. 
then saturday night i hung out with brian, and we all know how much we like brian. or something.
then on sunday sarah taught me how to drive a stick, (as brian was too busy) which was way fun and way scary. she was a really good teacher too. she showed me all the gears and the clutch, and i think i got first gear figured out, which i think is supposed to be the hardest one, and she showed me how to reverse, which was weird. but i had lotsa fun trying to ruin her car by stalling it out so many damn times. im really looking forward to getting my own damn car already. that i can drive. by myself. but she was patient as ever, and used that really calm, really reassuring voice when youre trying to successfully show someone something, which was cool. then because she was such a good little girl, we went and i bought her an ice cream cone. or in this case, a kit-kat blizzard. how did they not invent those sooner.
which brings us to today. i have a lot of communication homework that im not doing, i have errands to run which im not doing, im still in my boxers so i have to put on pants, and im hungry, so id better go make myself some food.
and get started with my day.

i was at starbucks the other morning before i went into work, and i saw a paitent of mine outside having a cup of coffee with a woman. they looked really happy, they were laughing and joking and being really flirty. this patient had been coming in a lot lately so i knew who he was- he's this really nice polish guy who has a hyperactive son (who looks just like him of course). i knew he was married and had only this one son, and i knew they lived in the area so they came in often, blah blah blah. what was weird was that when i saw him with this woman, i was devastated because i instantly assumed that the woman wasnt his wife; maybe it was someone else. like a mistress or something. i was sad to see this nice man have a woman on the side.
so i went inside without saying hello (he didnt see me anyway) and ordered my coffee, and as i waited for my drink, i started thinking, what if thats just his wife, and he's just a nice husband taking her out to coffee? the more i thought about it that way, and the more i looked at them through the window (voyuer) the more it made sense for this guy to just be with his wife. 
i annoyed myself. why do i assume the worst in people? i dont think i do it that often (in fact, quite the opposite) but when i do it really bothers me. three things im really making an active attempt to change are being more honest with myself so i can be more honestand open with others, trying to see people for who they really are, and going on a walk at least three times a week.

so far, ive been doing better with all of the above, minus the starbucks slip. not great, but better than i was four months ago, definitely.

on a side note, it tears me up when i see my friends hurt and there's nothing i can do to help or fix it.

is that it? did i cover all the bases? um...









...yes. i think so.

estrella war 2007 was this weekend and i had such a good time. i am so so happy that i went. i was really hesitant at first because none of the other girls were going and i figured i wouldnt have much fun, since k-lee would have to be working and shaking hands with her millions of friends, but it wasnt like that at all. i met so many new people and did a lot of drinking and dancing. i know i would have had a good time with my girls, but i made the most of it. the weather was nice, just a little cold in the evenings, and the sunsets were beautiful. i dont mind the new site either... its kind of spread out, which has its pros and cons, but its not as dusty as the last site so i was happy and not complaining.
friday night we settled in, got dressed and went out. we met up with angie and dave from schadenfreude (sp?) and they informed us that it was their household's last war. you guessed it-- the rumor is no one can stand kyla. i mean no one. she had run her mouth and broke up the camp. everyone called her Yoko the whole weekend. angie and dave want to start a new tangent to the SCA: FruedenSchade.
Then on Friday, i met Doc. his real name is james, but even outside of the SCA he goes by Doc, (yes, he's a medic) and that's how he introduced himself, so thats what ill call him.   :) Doc will go down in history as one of the kindest people i have met. he is a 35 year old divorcee from Orange County, and he has no family, no children, no mom, no brothers and sisters. he is going into the army in hopes of going to Iraq, not because he believes in "the cause", but because he wants to fill a spot. he said that he wanted to go so someone else wouldnt have to. and he wanted to be a medic so he could help people over there. 
part of me thinks he's insane- why the hell would you literally risk your life for someone you will never meet? but a big part of me really admires that kind of mentality. to be that kind-hearted and good. that wasnt the only instance that proved his kind of character either- he was generous to everyone the whole weekend. he was always escorting the ladies around, and giving people drinks, and whatnot. he even walked a drunk girl back to her camp that was half a mile away. he was a very kind man. i may be against this war (and i was begging him to stay, trust me) and i may hate the idea of people going over there to blow up other people, but i guess if you're going to go, it may as well be on your terms, and for the best reason possible.
so, that was friday. saturday was a lot of fun too,  wendy, from k-lee's beginner class, offered us a drink at the bar (yeah i said it- the new site has a bar!) and we got to drink mixed drinks on barstools until neon lit-signs. then we went to a different camp and did a little dancing with some of the midriff girls. and then i met dingo. dingo's real name is Brian. after chatting with him for a minute i started calling him DingoBrian. i feel weird about calling people by their scadian names if i know their real ones. so i called him both. he ended up being a very nice guy- very tall and thin, very friendly and conversational. i was instantly attracted to him when he mentioned that he never really got into wars and events, he never took on another persona, he just went to have fun and see old friends. Bingo Dingo. I dont need any aspiring actors tonight either. he ended up hangin out with us the rest of the night, and when the rest of the people were going to bed, he invited me over to his camp across the road from ours to finish the night, which i did. i had a very good time. we drank beers around the fire with his friends, and when the sun started coming up he walked me back to my camp and kissed me goodnight with no hanky panky. just a very sweet kid with a cloak that his mom made him. he then made a mention that he was leaving in the morning and he was sorry he hadnt met me sooner, to look for him at potrero, to follow the drums. 
and the more i think about it, the more i wish i had gotten an olde tyme email addresse or something. i bet there are going to be a lot of drums at war.  :-P but what would i have done with a number? called him long distance and asked him to have a cup of coffee with me over the phone? maybe i did the right thing. 
sunday was much fun too. we saw a comedy hour (i know thats weird but they had like medieval comedy of sorts) which was fun, and then we went to NightWolf to dance and drink. NO ONE was there. k-lee met up with makara actually went in and woke up some of the drummers and the bartender, and they were kind enough to entertain us until the sun came up. nice drummers.
at one point in the night i was about to pee in my harem pants, so Doc escorted me to ye privy, and we ended up having a long conversation about him leaving and being a war hero. we talked and talked, and whaddyaknow, i ended up getting emotional about it. it was hard to stand there and listen to a guy who has such a big heart, and he's just going off and risking everything he has. i hugged him and kissed his cheeks, told him it made me sad, but that i understood to an extent. then we left it at that and walked back into the camp. 
makara and k-lee and i danced and drank, and one of the drummers ended up escorting me home (nice guy).  i went to my tent and fell asleep, and when i woke up there was a note on my tent floor. i opened it up and it was from Doc. in his letter, he thanked me for my concern, and said i was a very sweet girl, and that he was happy to know me. he also gifted me a worry stone, which is a hard, smooth colorful stone thats shaped like a little wheel. the one he gave me is red and about the size of a quarter. he said to rub it whenever i worried about something, to think about him, to remember he was happy to have met me. 
i love love love good people. and i love when they show their good.
then i packed up and drove home.

in conclusion, i had a fabulous weekend. and if anyone runs into DingoBrian, tell him to call me on ye olde tyme celle phone.  :)

to attempt to compensate for the absolute crappiest night last night, this afternoon made up for it, at least a little. today was my first dance class with my old psych professor as the instructor. before we began, he mentioned that not only did he remember me, but that i was one of his favorites. he also mentioned that when i was in his class, that was his first year as a professor at mcc, and he said that i made things "much easier" for him.

i like being remembered. i also like feeling important.

so this class is right up my alley. theyre going to take parts of latin, salsa, swing, and other various dance forms, then connect and conglomerate them so we can see similarities in each move. im so stoked. may i be able to... dare i say... fuse... things together with my knowledge of ATS? hmmm. sounds like a plan to me!

when are people going to understand that all i want is some fucking space.

here's the deal. i do not want people calling me to tell me about the following: dad, rumors and lies, drama, gossip, school, work, and anything regarding anything with a negative connotation.

school might be out but that doesnt mean all my stress suddenly dissapears. if my only stressor was ever college, id be a happy clam.

i am very much at my wit's end with some people and events and things, none of which will be named nor referred to out of respect nd privacy, and out of the fact that im trying to prove the point that i do not fuel drama. i do not cause drama. i am tired of thinking and pondering and obsessing over these kinds of things, so ive decided im not going to anymore.

and for the record, lets all remember that i just turned 21. i am young, dumb, and having fun as often as i can. i have learned too much but have a long way to go. i am not stupid enough to think i can change people, but i am stubborn enough to know that i am going to do exactly what i want to do. i enjoy going out with people who can hold conversations, over a beer and maybe a smoke. i like going to hug blow out parties if im in the mood. but lest you forget, i also absolutely love staying home in comfy clothes,no makeup, getting under the covers, and watching crappy tv. im trying to learn the happy medium of having work, school, and play-and-me-time. i think im doing a good job.

if i want to talk it out, write it down, or drink it away, or continue to post cryptic entries of my choosing, ill be sure to let you know.  for now, i just want to be left alone and stop being sought out by people who want to throw their aches and pains on me. i cant play therapist all the time, and this is my month off.

how do i get myself into these situations.

cant we just like, get tattooed and go to vegas instead?

please?

i really must get on with that book.